Does everyone feel as alone as I do?

Because i think everyone on this planet feels alone. How tragic is that?! Billions of people on this earth can feel alone. Why? Well after i bring about world peace i'll get to work on that one. I graduated on saturday, and afterwards i've never wanted to cry more. My family has been through this three times before, so for them it was probably old news but for me it was the biggest deal! It hurt me so badly that my mom was just grumpy and my brother almost didn't make it. it hurts! why can't anyone see how bad it hurts?! Why is asking for help so hard? I just want to reach out and have someone look at me like i'm the most important thing in the world and say "i'm listening". someone that will be able to see what i'm going through and won't try to tell me what's happening when they don't have any idea! i just want to throw things and cry and scream because there's so much i want to do, so much i want to be and i'm afraid i won't do or be any of it. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I want my friends back, when they cared and when they were here for me. I didn't know it was going to be so hard to see my best friends go to college without me but the whole in my chest is getting to be unbearable. I can't take it anymore, all these things around me i feel are just closing in and i can't breathe. I just want to get away, be happy, and remember why i used to smile. 

It's Official

I have accepted the offer to attend the January- July track of college. Everything seems to be set,but nothing seems right anymore. I fought with my mom for a really long time on Friday. We screamed at each other, i cried for hours and hours, until i couldn't even breathe because it hurt so much. But i think the thing that hurt most was knowing i have absolutely no support system. My friends do the best they can, but i don't think they realize how much pain i'm truly in, and i don't have the right to put my problems before theirs. And besides, i don't think it would matter anyway. I need my family. I need my brother to protect me, to not just treat me like i'm defective. For my mom to let me talk to her about what i truly feel, not just what she thinks is right. My sister tries, but i don't think she really gets it. Gets me. It hurts, knowing that no one is going to ask you what's wrong and just hold you as you cry. I don't make those kinds of connections. I'm starting to think i really am defective. People like me, but i'm easily forgettable. They love me for about a week, but i don't stick. Once i stop seeing them everyday, they stop remembering. Or maybe its me that forgets. I'll never know i guess. Either way, it gets harder and harder to keep living my life. I try so hard; to work, do school work and keep up with whatever friends i have left. I just need that one person that just needs me like i need them. And not just loves me because its biology or because we're buds. I need love most of all. 

limbo

Limbo isn't a bad way to describe my life. I feel like i'm too old, but not old enough. I feel like i have insights, that i understand things. But i know i don't have all the answers. I'm old enough to know that the people i'm surrounded by now won't give me the answers i want. I hope i'm not undervaluing my friends when i say that sometimes i feel like my concerns go over their heads. But i'm in high school and i want deeper meaning to my life, but when i try to talk to people about my views on life, i never seem the get thought provoking answers. Nothing really pushes me to want to know anything and i really want someone to question me in a loving way, a way that will make me want to be my best, instead of just pissing me off. 
I guess i just want to find someone like that. I feel like my biological clock is set ahead of everyone. I'm thinking about things and wanting things that people shouldn't even want for a few more years.
...but then i feel like a jerk for thinking that i'm somehow more special than other people. 
too many thoughts in my head :/

Life is a funny thing

The scariest part of my life is that i know exactly what i SHOULD be doing. I know that i could be successful if i only did a, b, and c. Everything that i'm striving for, i could achieve. That's the part that i don't understand. I am fully capable of being that person i keep dreaming about. I could be that girl that has no fear. But instead fear is all i am, its just who i've become. I'm this person that gets scared every time a person that isn't my best friend asks me to hang out. I'm scared every time i'm left in a room with people i don't know. I'm scared every time i'm faced with goals. Because every time i make sure i fail. Every time i make it awkward, drive away friends. Talk myself out of achieving my goal. But why? Why does that even make any sense? it doesn't, i know. But i just can't figure out why i don't do anything. Why do i allow my life to pass me by, when i could be grabbing it, and living it the way i want to? Why do i insist on settling for something that i know perfectly well will only make me partially happy? Why do i settle for happiness when i could have joy?

Kakorrhaphiophobia- Fear of failure or defeat.

I'm so done being scared. I'm afraid to live, afraid to succeed. I'm afraid that i actually might get something right. I'm afraid that my life will change, and that i'll be who i actually want to be. I don't know if i'd be able to deal with it. I've become so used to who i am i don't know if i could be someone else, even if that was the person i really wanted to be. If i lose weight i'm afraid that i still won't be pretty, or it just won't matter like i thought it would. I'm afraid that people will reject me. I'm afraid that who i am is boring. Uninteresting. I hide behind my insecurities because i'm afraid that even if i do become my best case scenario i still won't be good enough. And what will i hide behind then?

Lately i've been feeling confused beyond belief. I don't understand what i'm supposed to be doing. i thought i did, but was too lazy to do anything but the more i thought about it the more confused i got. do i know what i want? i'm not sure anymore. 
I called my sister to see if she had any suggestions. She told me to read my scriptures, that that would give me answers, or try to get out and serve someone. i think that's my problem, i've been stuck inside this little box of a life for so long that i don't even know what's up and what's down anymore because i try to make something about nothing. 
help?

Blogging schmogging. Should be easy peasy.

right? you think i'd be easy to just write down whatever thought is in your head, but for some reason its exceptionally difficult for me. i'm not sure if its the whole "ew i'm so scared to show people who i really am" or if i'm just ashamed of my own thoughts. that's kind of the same thing though isn't it? well this is the first step i guess, figuring out who the heck i am via blog! 
well first off, here are a few things about me
10. I can't resist a good romantic comedy, and no i'm not one of those girls that thinks i'm going to find a guy exactly like ryan gosling in the notebook. i'd settle for channing tatum. :)
9. i am a child. I have the closet of a twelve year old, humor of a clueless five year old, and the people skills of a 1 year old. So put it all together and i'm 18! 
8. i like knowing every aspect of a person (personality wise) i like seeing the real person behind who they think they are. 
7. people will never understand life. but that shouldn't keep them from living. 
6. there are those that will only be themselves. everyone else will wish they were them. 
5. secret: i wish i were one of them.
4. I really really love snuggies. to all of those that believe they are just backwards robes you have obviously not experienced one. Snuggie is a lifestyle. 
3. I tried being anorexic once. i'm physically incapable, i love food too darn much
2. i'm mormon! and lovin every second of it 
1. TBA, number one should have a good one and i just don't have it yet. i'll work up to it.