Life is a funny thing

The scariest part of my life is that i know exactly what i SHOULD be doing. I know that i could be successful if i only did a, b, and c. Everything that i'm striving for, i could achieve. That's the part that i don't understand. I am fully capable of being that person i keep dreaming about. I could be that girl that has no fear. But instead fear is all i am, its just who i've become. I'm this person that gets scared every time a person that isn't my best friend asks me to hang out. I'm scared every time i'm left in a room with people i don't know. I'm scared every time i'm faced with goals. Because every time i make sure i fail. Every time i make it awkward, drive away friends. Talk myself out of achieving my goal. But why? Why does that even make any sense? it doesn't, i know. But i just can't figure out why i don't do anything. Why do i allow my life to pass me by, when i could be grabbing it, and living it the way i want to? Why do i insist on settling for something that i know perfectly well will only make me partially happy? Why do i settle for happiness when i could have joy?

Kakorrhaphiophobia- Fear of failure or defeat.

I'm so done being scared. I'm afraid to live, afraid to succeed. I'm afraid that i actually might get something right. I'm afraid that my life will change, and that i'll be who i actually want to be. I don't know if i'd be able to deal with it. I've become so used to who i am i don't know if i could be someone else, even if that was the person i really wanted to be. If i lose weight i'm afraid that i still won't be pretty, or it just won't matter like i thought it would. I'm afraid that people will reject me. I'm afraid that who i am is boring. Uninteresting. I hide behind my insecurities because i'm afraid that even if i do become my best case scenario i still won't be good enough. And what will i hide behind then?