Life is a funny thing

The scariest part of my life is that i know exactly what i SHOULD be doing. I know that i could be successful if i only did a, b, and c. Everything that i'm striving for, i could achieve. That's the part that i don't understand. I am fully capable of being that person i keep dreaming about. I could be that girl that has no fear. But instead fear is all i am, its just who i've become. I'm this person that gets scared every time a person that isn't my best friend asks me to hang out. I'm scared every time i'm left in a room with people i don't know. I'm scared every time i'm faced with goals. Because every time i make sure i fail. Every time i make it awkward, drive away friends. Talk myself out of achieving my goal. But why? Why does that even make any sense? it doesn't, i know. But i just can't figure out why i don't do anything. Why do i allow my life to pass me by, when i could be grabbing it, and living it the way i want to? Why do i insist on settling for something that i know perfectly well will only make me partially happy? Why do i settle for happiness when i could have joy?

Kakorrhaphiophobia- Fear of failure or defeat.

I'm so done being scared. I'm afraid to live, afraid to succeed. I'm afraid that i actually might get something right. I'm afraid that my life will change, and that i'll be who i actually want to be. I don't know if i'd be able to deal with it. I've become so used to who i am i don't know if i could be someone else, even if that was the person i really wanted to be. If i lose weight i'm afraid that i still won't be pretty, or it just won't matter like i thought it would. I'm afraid that people will reject me. I'm afraid that who i am is boring. Uninteresting. I hide behind my insecurities because i'm afraid that even if i do become my best case scenario i still won't be good enough. And what will i hide behind then?

Lately i've been feeling confused beyond belief. I don't understand what i'm supposed to be doing. i thought i did, but was too lazy to do anything but the more i thought about it the more confused i got. do i know what i want? i'm not sure anymore. 
I called my sister to see if she had any suggestions. She told me to read my scriptures, that that would give me answers, or try to get out and serve someone. i think that's my problem, i've been stuck inside this little box of a life for so long that i don't even know what's up and what's down anymore because i try to make something about nothing. 
help?

Blogging schmogging. Should be easy peasy.

right? you think i'd be easy to just write down whatever thought is in your head, but for some reason its exceptionally difficult for me. i'm not sure if its the whole "ew i'm so scared to show people who i really am" or if i'm just ashamed of my own thoughts. that's kind of the same thing though isn't it? well this is the first step i guess, figuring out who the heck i am via blog! 
well first off, here are a few things about me
10. I can't resist a good romantic comedy, and no i'm not one of those girls that thinks i'm going to find a guy exactly like ryan gosling in the notebook. i'd settle for channing tatum. :)
9. i am a child. I have the closet of a twelve year old, humor of a clueless five year old, and the people skills of a 1 year old. So put it all together and i'm 18! 
8. i like knowing every aspect of a person (personality wise) i like seeing the real person behind who they think they are. 
7. people will never understand life. but that shouldn't keep them from living. 
6. there are those that will only be themselves. everyone else will wish they were them. 
5. secret: i wish i were one of them.
4. I really really love snuggies. to all of those that believe they are just backwards robes you have obviously not experienced one. Snuggie is a lifestyle. 
3. I tried being anorexic once. i'm physically incapable, i love food too darn much
2. i'm mormon! and lovin every second of it 
1. TBA, number one should have a good one and i just don't have it yet. i'll work up to it.